Over the last 30 years since I began in the lifestyle the major mistake I have seen from Doms and subs is that there is firm rulebook that everyone is to follow to the best of their ability or they are not REAL, like some form of Velvetine kink person. You will hear that term “REAL” often from overly pretentious dominants who really enjoy their self made position of authority. Only they can tell you how a REAL dominant or REAL sub should behave.
Please understand, THERE IS NO RULE BOOK!!!
The entire realm of BDSM behavior has been and will be created by a vast group of people who have come to the decision that the socially dictated behavior they were shown as they were growing is NOT how they want to live. They decided that it was UP TO THEM how they should live and they took it upon themselves to develop THEIR OWN rules. They may see some behavior they wish to model, but there is no obligation.
You have the same obligation and it is not necessarily easy. YOU, Doms and subs alike, must take the time to learn enough about yourselves to build the rules YOU want to live by, learn what your needs are, and go after a partner who can satisfy them. YOU write the rule book, but that book is YOUR rule book and no one else’s. No one else’s rulebook is right for YOU.
If a Dominant tells you how a submissive is to behave, he is reading out of HIS (or HER) rulebook. The submissive has to be self aware enough to know if it fits within HER (or HIS) rulebook. If it doesn’t, then look for someone whose rules DO. You have finally gotten to the point of understanding that the societal rules you have learned are not for you. Do not blithely accept someone else’s. Write your own.