So you want to try it out.

I often meet people just beginning to explore more kinky forms of sexual expression or wishing to engage in a more Dominant and/or submissive lifestyle.  Beyond listening and observing what actually excites them, the best advice I can give anyone is to seek education.

I apologize to all who may be offended by this, but I do not recommend going to your pastor or church leader, your parents, nor your seventh grade science teacher.  Your pastor or church leader certainly has conflicting agendas between your expressions of sexual joy and their opinions of the correct paths to spiritual salvation.  Your parents may be helpful, but I admit to being a little squidgy about talking to my parents about how they fuck, and if you want to get into a little SM play, can you imagine asking your father in law the correct way to whip his daughter?  As for the films we were forced to watch in the 1950’s, they were designed specifically to instill a desire to avoid sex for as long as possible, a “Red Asphalt” for sex.

Luckily we are in an age, at least for a short period of time, when it is relatively easy to get high quality sexual education and relationship counseling.  Many sources are posted on this blog under “Friends And Significant Others” available either on line or for personal presentations for groups (as am I) or individual education (I as well).  I certainly do not offer the caveot, “I am a professional, do not try this at home” but there are many things you should understand.  For instance, bondage causes more injury and death than all other forms of play combined. Compression play (clips and clamps) should be placed for no longer than 30 minutes and will hurt far more coming off.  Do not hit bruises, etc.  Make sure to be hydrated or you are more likely to damage your tissue.  Know what kind of wax to use so that you give sensation and not burns.  Cheep candles burn coolest, those expensive Catholic bee’s wax candles burn the hottest (Yea, there is the church again).

Have fun playing.  Sex is for procreation, yes, but it is primarily made for building relationships, and that is where the fun comes in.

The Eroticist


  1. Out of curiosity, what kind of “going to” are you talking about here? Unless I knew something specific about the sexual proclivities of my pastor/church leader, parents, and/or science teacher, I can’t imagine why I would ask them for help with the how-tos of “alternate” sexual expression. As you point out in your third paragraph, people who engage in a given type of play are much more likely to be able to advise me how to safely and responsibly engage in that type of play.

    Do people really go to their pastors with questions like, “Is it safe to bind my wife’s breasts until they turn red?” That would blow my mind. I imagine they’d be more likely to ask their pastors, “Is it okay that I want to bind my wife’s breasts until they turn red?” That seems like a question a pastor’s expertise is much more likely to be relevant to.

  2. Thank you for your cogent comment.
    I am sure, as you are, that people do not tend to go to their religious counselors with questions such as yours. (By the way, red is usually OK, blue is not. My general rule is the same with any compression play, no longer than half an hour, and with any bondage, if circulation stops, untie it.)
    However, I do feel that there is a large population who might go to their parents or counselors when they are dissatisfied with their current sex life looking for answers or recommendations as to ways they can become more exploratory. In that case, it is my opinion that a knowledgable sex education professional will be able to give them far better and far more accepting advise than they might get otherwise, even from close friends.
    Just began an excellent book, by the way, “Dr. Sprinkle’s Spectacular Sex” by Annie Sprinkle, Ph.D. It was published in 2005 but is still available on Amazon.
    Again, thank you for reading. I look forward to more comments.
    The Eroticist

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