I have just finished the second of the “50 Shades of Grey” series. It continues to perpetuate its major failing, in my eyes, that of associating sadistic Dominance with an extreme traumatic history of abuse. While I can not say that for some there has not been such an association and it is a valid plot element that brings forth many other aspects of the story. But I can say that it is not in any way the exclusive cause of the enjoyment of sadistic Dominance, rough sex, or the joy of a good spanking, among other things. Many of us in the lifestyle were quite pleased that our predilection had been “downgraded” and now thought of as a relationship, not an illness. Quite a change. “Fuck, you mean I’m not sick, I am in a relationship?”
I should mention also that the series continues to show the loving and sharing aspects of extending your experience base into the broader area of physical and sexual exploration. This is a very good thing. I strongly believe that a vast number of lives would be profoundly improved if they brought themselves to comfortably and lovingly join in such exploration.
I do not want to include any plot points of the Grey series, but I will mention something that did concern me. There are multiple references to moments when Grey seems to read Ana’s mind and immediately answer questions she only formulated in her head. It happens repeatedly. Now this is quite a lovely thought. Any submissive person, male or female, would love to have a Dominant who just “Knew” what they were thinking, “Knew” exactly what it was they wanted or desired, “Knew” their head space and exactly what would take them too far. Ahhh, how wonderful, they don’t even have to struggle to communicate their thoughts and feelings, after all, dare I say it, a True Dominant just “Knows”.
Well I am here to tell you that in my many years of experience that is unadulterated Bull Shit. We work very hard to be attune to bodily cues and particularly in a scene, concentrate intently on what is going on with our submissive or partner. But mind-readers we are not, and if you begin to rely on our being so, there is definite trouble ahead. Unfortunately there are some Dominants who love to perpetuate that myth to their detriment. Transparent Communication is a constant struggle for both sides of this equation, and consistent work must be maintained for growth in the relationship.
Human beings live with scripts. “What did he mean by that?” “Republicans feel…” Fat people are always so…because….” “Mom never lets me…cause she is such a….” These are scripts. Feeling prompts thoughts and we grab on to them, repeat them, fill them out, rationalize them, build the story. We all do this, and do it pretty much consistently. True communication is vastly assisted by a desire and extensive practice in catching the feelings and communicating them before the scripts begin. “Master, may I express my feelings?” “My sweet girl, your saying that makes me feel….”
But all of that goes out the window if one of you feels that the other just “Knows.” Well, maybe you are right! Maybe he does, at times. But check. Take the moment to practice expressing yourself, bring yourself to be attune to your own feelings, stop the scripts, and find the inestimable pleasure of hearing your loved one say, “Really? Wow, I didn’t know that. Thank you for telling me.”