I would like to apologize to my readers. I have been away far too long. I have been struggling with attempting to form a relationship across the continent, trying to arrange a visit, trying to give it the concentration it deserved. It took my attention. It was not to be.
She is a beautiful and seemingly responsive woman (have not been with her, so I can not tell) who expressed interest in exploring a D/s relationship and pain play, both areas of great interest to me. Our first conversations held great potential and a lot of joy. I was honest about who I was, my interests, how I approach the scene life and life in general, really. Since I do a lot of writing, it was pretty easy for her to see my opinions and desires.
But I was hungry, and a long distance relationship is one that is very easy to couch in fantasy. You are not there, and you can not see all the reactions that the human mind is used to. My hunger pushed me beyond all those early signs which pointed to a deeper level of incompatibility which, if I was feeling more relaxed and confident, I would have seen and acknowledged, before politely bowing out.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because I do not think I am alone in this. In this age of social media and long distance txts and extensive Email conversations, it is so easy to fill in all the blanks from your own head, and feed that hunger with something that you want so badly, a compatible partner who not only wants what you want, but far more importantly, wants you. In an age where the ease of internet communication deludes us into thinking that we are having a real interpersonal relationship when actually most of our deepest desires are fed by our own imaginations, relationships are intense, filled with vulnerability, isolation, and often unfortunately, the extreme pain of rapid rejection and abandonment.
Being in the midst of all of this, it is impossible to give valid advice, but also being an egotistical SOB, I will do so anyway. At first I am reminded of my reactions to Reid Mihalko‘s Elevator speech. All I saw was that it would frighten any poor stranger away, why in the WORLD would you want to hand it to someone right off the bat? Well, pretty much because it would. Why would you want to hide who you are, the kind of relationship you want, just to attempt to form a relationship with someone who may be incompatible with you? Let her know right off what kind of kinky mother you are, and give her an opportunity to tell you what kind she is. LOL, it may not work (see above), but it helps.
The second part is really being aware of your hunger, and admitting to it. If you have not been fucked in a month of Sundays (does that date me?) admit to it and let them know you are hungry. Then listen. If she is a bit put off and goes through a time of really asking if you could just not talk about it that much, that probably means something. If there are areas of behavior or relationship which you find necessary, admit to them. Know thyself, and more importantly, accept thyself. Actually, for the vast majority of people in this world, all those things that you find most difficult to accept are far more common than you fear. Give yourself a bit of loving kindness.
But the hardest thing, certainly for me, is admitting that there are clear signs that this relationship won’t work, and stepping away with care and consideration for all parties concerned, both your hoped for partner and for you. All that imagination about what could happen is still at work. All the positive and confirmed aspects of the relationship are still there, and most painful of all, your partner may not see the issues that you do, and take your backing away as a painful and unwarranted rejection. You may attempt, repeatedly to express your understanding and move on, when all that is seen as abandonment and purposeful pain.
Be aware that even though you are moving away with care and a sense of responsibility, you too are being abandoned. All the things for which you hoped, all the love and joy you expected to share is being taken from you as well. Just because you are doing it, just because you understand it is necessary to avoid future pain, does not mean it doesn’t hurt now. Accept it and as I said above, give yourself a bit of loving kindness. You have done a good thing and you deserve it. How to do that, I do not know. Be caring and honest, and try to keep in a place of empathy. Hard, that.
P.S. The person with whom I struggled is still a dynamic, dedicated, beautiful, strong woman, who has great kindness within her, and for whom I wish an open heart, success, a strong path, and overwhelming joy.