Control

It has been a long time since I have written here. I apologize for that. As I think you know, I have recently moved several states from California, and for good or ill, I will tell you now that Texas is far more than moving to another state. It is more like moving to another world. I am still struggling to understand the differences in weather. While I have, over the last 30 some years, come to adjust to the expectation of severe fires and the rumble of earthquakes, it was with a fair bit of concern that, in a visit to the local library, I saw several large and insistent signs that read, “Tornado Protection Room”. Toto, we’re not in California any more.

However, I can say that this new world has presented me with some truly wonderful opportunities. There is a vibrant community here and opportunities to meet, talk and play with its members on a daily basis. Far more than was available even in the active metropolis of Los Angeles. Beyond that, I have had the great joy of meeting a lady of deep service and incredible masochism. She is my puppy bear, and we are peacefully and joyously moving through the process of establishing a D/s relationship, moving towards one as M/s, uniquely defined by our individual wishes.

This, obviously, brings me to the subject of the day. But as a caveat, I have to say that there are many who would disagree with my words. I hold to and express my own opinions here. LOL, that is one of the joys of writing your own blog.

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This lifestyle is surrounded by rather simplistic views.  Media presentations, the views of the general public, and surprisingly, those of many of its practitioners hold that the Dominant says, and the submissive does.  Obedience.  While I have seen people I deeply respect live this level of relationship.  You have to get there first.

When one looks at a Dominant and submissive relationship it is usually thought to be of a particular construct. Look at the words. One is Dominant over the submissive. The other is submissive to the wishes of the Dominant. The Dominant, He or She has power over the other. “You Will Do As I SAY.”, “My way or the Highway.”  You might expect that when a person who identifies as a submissive personality approaches one of a Dominant personality that attracts them, asking if the Dominant might consider the submissive, that the D-type would then prepare or have available a list of desires, possibly protocols, possibly directives that the submissive should or must follow to be acceptable to the Dominant. I have seen or heard about many relationships which began in such a way.

Yep, there are tons of things I like, and I will try to communicate those desires to someone I am considering for a relationship so that they can do thing the way I want.  Some are simple, and I can communicate by saying simple things.  I like my coffee with two or three packets of splenda depending on the size of the cup and with a fair bit of half and half.  When I am having breakfast with my partner, I expect her to prepare it to my taste.  There are other things that are harder to delineate, like the kind of sex I enjoy.  That is a process of doing things and consistently questioning, “did you like that?”, “Was that too intense?”, much like a SM scene, reflecting what I see in her expression, breathing, hesitations or words and asking what these signs mean.  This is a longer process.  But if I find someone who is not overwhelmingly enthusiastic over the kind of sex I like, no matter how submissive they might be, the relationship is not going to be rewarding to me.  I know that.

It seems pretty obvious that within this type of relationship, certainly with the little things and somewhat more important things (yea, like sex is somewhat more important), if my partner does not feel rewarded by pleasing me, the relationship is not going to work.  But we do eventually come to situations where, for reasons that I firmly believe are for the physical or emotional benefit of this person, I wish to tell them I do not wish them to continue in a particular behavior, or I wish them to do something that was not a habit for them before.  So the question is, “How much do they wish me to actually Control them?”

Many people in the world can not identify with this, and that is fine.  It is not for them.  But I firmly believe from my personal experience that some individuals truly need control.  Now I am not saying that they are childish and need parental restraints.  I am not saying that these people need to be controlled for the safety of themselves and society, though obviously some do.  But I am saying that there are individuals in this world that are happier and can lead more fulfilled lives within a context of loving outside control.  They are more comfortable.  

Believe me, they will fight it.  But I firmly believe they will be happier if they have it.

Now absolutely, I understand that what I just said, they will fight it, but they need it for their own benefit, is unquestionably an available excuse for abuse.  I can ignore what you say you want, and punish you for not doing what I say.  And what am I to do with that?  If you are fighting my control, how do I know that my control is nevertheless what you want and need?  Again, there is no rule book here.  But it is absolutely necessary for any Dominant to find that out.  It has to be tested, over and over and over, until you are sure.  You might even try asking.

Spend time paying attention.  Give advice and see if it is followed.  If it is not, then ask if this level of control is really what they want.  Acknowledge the difficulties, and ask if they trust you.  Do not just demand.  Explain why you have made your decision.  Explain why you feel it is for their benefit.  Most importantly, ask how they would feel if you said, “I don’t care.  Do what you want.”  Ask.  For it is vitally important that you know and that they know, that this level of control is what they want.  Listen.  They will tell you.

Just because someone identifies as submissive, just because someone identifies as Dominant does not give licence to the arbitrary.  This relationship is based on deep communication and trust, mutual understanding and acceptance of each other’s needs.  It takes attention and work.  Try it.