First I should apologize for my extended absence. I am an artist by trade, if you can actually use those terms together, and have just finished three shows, one quite major. Immediately following that, I was lucky enough to have some surgery from which I am still recovering. All is going well. But these things did occupy my time. Glad to be back.
In my reading of letters and questions from submissives I often hear questions such as “Is it OK for a Dom to share his sub with others even if she doesn’t want to?” Or perhaps, “Does a submissive or slave have to give over her finances to her Dom or Master?” I would hope your answer to either of these questions would be “It depends on the relationship you negotiated.”
I sincerely have a vast respect for anyone who chooses the submissive or slave lifestyle. I believe it can be a fulfilling and empowering position which can promote great growth. But I question any who enters into it from a submissive or slave headspace. Yea, I know, that sounds somewhat contradictory. If you feel yourself to be a submissive or have a slave heart, how can you drop all of that when looking into the actual relationship you desire.
My reply is, how can you enter into a submissive or slave relationship by giving up your choices and needs to someone you do not yet know or trust? You are entering into a relationship which may require vastly differing forms of behavior for you. You may be told you can not use the furniture or wear clothing in your house. You may be told you must perform sexual acts that are extremely unusual to you. You may be told you must give up your career or family or friends. You may be required to undergo body modifications from the simple to the extreme. You may be treated in the most extremely disrespectful of ways. Or you may not. Do you know?
The question is, before you to commit to these changes in your life, do you know what they will be and have you considered if they are changes that you want? My feeling is that you can not make these decisions in a headspace where you have already given over your personal power to the other. You have to make these decisions as a calm, self respecting, competent, strong willed and independent person who has done extensive introspection, education and self examination. This is negotiation, after all and you should enter into negotiations knowing what you want out of them, knowing where you are willing to compromise, and, most importantly, knowing what the possibilities are.
I often say, the best question is, “What do you mean by that?” Consider the statement, “I like a bit of humiliation play.” What, then, is humiliation to you? What is humiliation to the other? And what is, “a bit”? If a form of behavior or play is unfamiliar to you, do not use it in negotiations until you understand it, and understand how the other is using it?
Understand your own needs and limits. If a limit is not mentioned, does that mean it is open and acceptable to cross, or does it mean that when it does come up, it should be negotiated before being crossed? Future negotiations are part of negotiations.
Are you willing to give up all rights to renegotiation or will there be times when open and honest feedback is requested by your Dom or Master? Will that feedback be respected? The one command may be “to obey”. Does that mean you have no right to question or perhaps inform? Are you always to do exactly and only what you are told, or are you able to add to your service from your own creativity? Questions, Questions, Questions. Until you negotiate and understand and agree to the elements of your relationship, you have the right, responsibility, and indeed obligation to come to the negotiating table as a self confident equal, with equal rights and equal value. If you can not do that, learn how before you negotiate.
Please understand, there is nothing wrong with the most extreme forms of imbalanced relationships. If you have competently negotiated a relationship where your body is modified to be a caricature of a person, and you sleep in a box in your own feces, to be brought out only to be sexually abused by multiple people (that is sort of an extreme of what I DON’T want in a partner) and you have negotiated, understood and chosen that position from a confident communicated position, bless you, and dive right in. It is your choice. But if you don’t ask, if you don’t communicate, if you do not demand the kind of relationship you want, desire and need, do not be surprised by what you get.
Until you give up responsibility in an educated and committed way, the responsibility for what you get is yours.
The Eroticist
I agree. There is a myth in BDSM that it makes a person a bad submissive if they do not grant blanket consent to x or y at a certain point in a relationship. But in a healthy relationship, consent, even consent given in advance should be educated, overt and enthusiastic. And in power exchange the power must be the bottom’s to give.
I would add, though, that it is also the submissive’s right to *revoke* that consent and take back the their agreement to allow their top power over a certain activity. Because no matter how much you research, consider, and discuss, you never know how you are going to react to being “forced” (even when you have freely given consent to be) to do something, not even if you have done it before. And some reactions are bad and even unhealthy. So please remember that it it your right to REnegotiate your power dynamic if it is not working for you. Just because you agree to something does NOT mean that you must then consent to that permanently.
I totally agree. This is, in a very real sense, a moment to moment commitment. In the best of relationships communication is paramount. I tell my partner that I am the one to make the decisions. But I can only make the right ones if I am totally informed. That requires transparent communication from her. I want to know what works, what doesn’t, and why. Only then can I make the decision that is best for US. If my decision does not work for her, she absolutely has the obligation to inform me, and the right to leave if my decision or choice is not right for her.