I am in a stage of my life where I am required to redefine who I am. Who I am, what I do, where and with whom I live must change. At this time, I am reminded of an old Zen story about a man who continually changed what he did because he never wanted to be a “something.” He didn’t want to be a “teacher” or a “fisherman” or a “priest”, he just wanted to be.
I have been so many things, each held to as a defining shortcut, an answer to “what do you do?” At times the answers to that question has been a source of laughter in my family. “Back when I was a postman, tree surgeon, ticket taker, well driller, appliance repairman, radiation equipment assemblyman, software engineer, actor, writer…husband…”
Now finances and the necessitating move from LA will change much or all of that and it is terrifying. What will I be? Who will I be? Who can I be if I am no longer…? Life as I thought it would continue has changed for me as it has for so many of us. It brings us to questions many of us never thought possible. What will I do? I do not know. I know I will be. But who is that? What makes me who I am? Who is this that will be?
The Eroticist
What are the qualities that define your personality and how you are in the world, how you interact with others, etc.? How do you think about yourself? How do others perceive you? What do you hope people will say about you when you die?
The “things” you’ve been and done that you have listed here are mostly occupations, hobbies, etc. They are activities. Roles. They are not who you *are*. Although admittedly, roles such as “husband” or “father” probably hit closer to core qualities than the others. But what *kind* of husband or son or father have you been?
Methinks the adjectives are much more important than the nouns.
*…Tuum est…* Dear Sir and friend.