As many of these things do, this began by being asked how things should begin. (For some reason, I am having strong remembrances of 1950’s fairy tale movies.) A gentleman wished to talk about being a Daddy Dom, and what was needed. Many things came to mind, but this was my answer…and so it begins.
It is terribly difficult to start a process such as this. Far easier to respond to questions or situations. Primarily because the path each person takes is so completely personal and unique to them. Let me emphasize that the relationship is unique to the PEOPLE within it. What your Daddy/lg relationship dynamics ARE (and let me say that a Daddy does not REQUIRE a “little” girl. While my partner is considerably younger than I, she does not really identify as a “little” in any way), what these dynamics settle down to being are determined by your partner just as much as yourself.
But let me throw some things your way to chew on. These may be settled in your mind to a great extent, but I would suggest that they are a process, a living flux, so change is inevitable.
The hardest thing for me in my growth as a Daddy/Dom was/is to resolve the constant conflicts between what I see around me as to the scene, the books and lectures I have attended, the society in which I have grown, the mentors I have had and the way I have been raised as a child, perhaps my life environment, and what it is I actually want or what pleases me. There is so much around each of us telling us what it is we should want. We may have beliefs firmly established within us as to what is “right” or “appropriate” to want because we are “Male”, “American”, “Dominant”, “white” or any kind of identity label you can think of. But those labels are NOT who you are. They are labels which we conveniently use to communicate a small part of ourselves to others. Those labels can mean something entirely different to others because of their societal upbringing. It gets transmitted as a package that is defined by the person receiving it. So they treat you in a way that is appropriate to that package. Haven’t you felt, at times, that because someone sees you as a Dominant or a Daddy, that they suddenly treat you in a way defined by them rather than as who you actually are?
The importance of this lifestyle, at least to me, is that it allows you the freedom to examine what it is that you want out of your life and your relationships rather than what you have been and are being told every second of every day. Freedom.
Sigh, but freedom comes with proportionate responsibility. A large subject there. To my mind the first expression of that responsibility comes in the form of communication. If and when you are comfortable with what you want, you have to communicate it. But communication does not just mean that you are confident in what you have said, it means you are confident in what the listener has heard. So in order to communicate to your partner, the best quality you can develop is how to listen.
So here is the major tip. The most valuable thing to hear from your partner or partners is, “What do you mean by that?” You want to hear that a lot. We use a lot of words in the scene. Dominance, service, submission, responsibility. Well, just like the labels I mentioned before, these are packages that are defined by the listener and what is service to you may not be service to them. So make sure they understand you.
Whew, that is a lot and a good beginning point. It just pored. I hope you understood. If not, ask me what I meant.
The Eroticist
Well put as always, Eroticist.
I’d only add that that’s a question we should *all* be asking of partners and prospective partners, on both sides of the slash.
It is remarkably effective in the vanilla world of life in general, too. All kinds of misunderstandings that cause strife between people can be avoided with that simple question, and persisting in asking it as required until there is a clear meeting of the minds as to what is indeed actually meant.
I agree completely with my kinkylittlegirl friend. There is an incredible number of lessons to be learned from a healthy and affirming BDSM relationship that are immediately transferable to relationships of all kinds. Because we engage in more edgy behavior we need to learn techniques of clarity, communication, relationship maintenance, and trusting and trustworthy behavior. But there is no reason to feel that these techniques should remain only in the BDSM realm.
To be honest, I am amazed that we should even have to say that.
For all readers, my dear Kinkylittlegirl friend is an incredible resource and I highly recommend you check out her blog at http://kinkylittlegirl.net/ She is a good woman, and sexy as hell.