Following the Path

We sometimes talk about being or becoming a Master.  If you are curious and wish to look on the internet or in BDSM circles, you will find many people who call themselves such.  That is their right.  It is for you to judge if it is deserved.  Some have honored me with that honorific, and so I wanted to give a little insight into the path I took to get where I am.  There are many steps, Grasshopper, listen attentively.


I discovered the internet, chat rooms, and the wonder of being able to call myself exactly who I wished I was.  Wow, what masturbatory material.  Talk about being Super Human.

Many intelligent and honorable people feel strongly that one can not become a Master without first becoming a slave.  I can not argue with that, except it was not my path.

2)  Oh Damn, you mean I have to learn how to USE that thing?  (learning of tools, beginning of the process away from UNconscious INcompetence [Concept from Robert Rubel]) (Otherwise known as “OW, that fucking HURTS”)

As I have said many a time, once you pick up a single tail whip, the first person you will hurt is yourself.  No question.  But the broader point here is that you have to know what you are doing.  Bondage injures and kills more people than all other forms of play we do.  Period.  If you want a more complete discussion, google Jay Wiseman.  I am linking to his Wikipedia article but he is a wise (pun intended) and prolific author, so check him out on Amazon.  He is a gentleman knowledgeable in both medical and legal maters regarding BDSM.

Many intelligent and honorable people feel strongly that one should not use a toy, tool or implement on someone else without first experiencing it onself.  I can not argue with that.  While I have not experienced ALL my toys, tools and implements, that list is getting smaller.

3)  Wait a minute, arn’t you suppose to hug ME after I whip you?  (Learning on someone else’s property.)

The term “Top” refers to someone who applies sensation to another (“bottom” being the one applied too).  As I entered into the community and gained the trust of others around me, some were willing to allow me to play on their partners, to “Top” them.  This I did gladly.  The “bottoms” then went off to their Dominants for that delightful “cuddle time” to finish off the scene, leaving me to my own devices.  The resulting depression  immediately taught me that “Topping” was not enough for me.  What I saw was that the relationship was the important thing.  What I saw, whether actual or not, was a concern and admiration on the part of the submissive for their Dominant.  That is what I wanted.

4)  Learning Honesty (Getting it ALL out.  Otherwise known as “You mean I have to admit that TOO?”)

Well, that was a difficult step.  I knew, without question that if I was totally honest with any prospective partner, a large pile of them wouldn’t want me.  Beyond that, I was a married man, even though my wife and I had discussed our differences and understood that we were going in differing directions.  But as Reid Mihalko says, you need to learn to frighten people away.  Still a hard concept for me to follow.  But you are who you are, and even if you scam someone into believing you are more to their liking, you aren’t and they will find out.  Messy, that.

5)  Attending the lecture series (Understanding a bit of the philosophy.  Beginning of the process towards UNconscious Competence)

There is so much more here than learning the tools of the trade.  What we are choosing is truly a different way of interacting with people, starting with the interaction with yourself.  It is a spiritual path.  Learn everything you can.  Understand, I say learn it, I do not say accept it.  One of the basic tenants here is that we are consciously choosing how to be in this world.  We are not accepting how we are told to be.  That includes everything we are told about this lifestyle.  Create Your Own.

6)  Who am I doing this for?  (Understanding your own pleasure.)

Still a difficult concept for me.  How do you answer the question, “If I had absolute power and could have anything I wanted from this person, what would it be?  What Pleases me?”  It is worth some continuous contemplation for all of us, no matter what you want to be.  By the way, when you get it, make sure they know you liked it.  That is a good way of getting it again.

7)  Helping the Community (It’s not just submissives who clean the bathroom.)

Eventually you have to understand that you are in a community, and not everyone within that community wants to do what you want to do.  But being within a community, it benefits you to move that community forward.  That means two things.  A) If you notice that the garbage needs to be taken out, why don’t you go ahead and do that little thing, huh?  And B) even though you are, in fact, GOD incarnate and have control over all things material and spiritual, it helps move your world forward if you can be polite to your fellow GODs incarnate, and particularly polite to all the little minions around you.  Are we Learning Yet?

8-  What is exchanged?  (Power and authority.)

This is worth a blog in itself, so I will be short, but eventually you learn that you do not in actuality, have much power at all.  You may be given authority over another by that other, but that authority can be taken with a moment’s notice.

9)  Giving up the pretense (OK, I guess I am not a Master yet.)

Well, as I have worked on 1-8 (and still do, much of the time) I found myself feeling rather silly calling myself “Master” anything.  Still do, in fact.  I am honored when someone else sees something in me that prompts them to use that honorific, but it really is not for me to decide.  So I leave it up to them.  I feel better that way.

10)  Accepting your mistakes (in play, in relationships, in yourself)

I wonder about those people who feel it is necessary for them and theirs to uphold the pretense that they are mistake proof.  Why is that so important?  I am who I am and a major part of that is that I am human.  I am not sure about the divinity of forgiveness but I am sure that humans make mistakes.  Mistakes happen in play,  apologize, check for damage and move on.  Mistakes happen in your framing of relationships, be open to challenges, communicate, know what it is you want to do, and try again.  Mistakes occur in how you view yourself, where you are going, how you treat others, and how you move through your life.  Treat yourself with honor and respect.  Learn, accept who you are, accept that you are individual and can not accomplish everything.  Do what you can and be pleased with yourself for doing it.

11)  Learning to serve (Why am I here?)

In moving through the Butchmann’s Experience one of the most important concepts received was that a Master (you know, that guy served by other people for his pleasure) has a call to serve.  Yes, the honorable, creative, trustworthy and lucky ones have people who gain great joy and fulfillment serving their Master, but to BE there, the Master must serve.  Serve their submissive?  Well, yes and no.  By taking conscious and knowledgeable control they do serve the needs of those who give them authority, but to be a Master, one must serve something higher than him/herself, be it a community, a spiritual authority, a concept, something that benefits something or someone greater than himself.  I agree with that.  It is a fulfilling concept.


So, 11 steps, and I am proud to say I am…ah…well…ah…still working, certainly on 11, 10, 9, definitely 6 and 5, and often on 2.  May I wish you the same.

The Eroticist


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