Begin Together or Find Someone Experienced?

A friend told me that they had begun a new relationship with someone who had interest in the lifestyle, but little experience, much like themselves.  They asked me if it was better to begin a lifestyle relationship with someone as new as them, or someone more experienced.  This was my answer.

I really have to start this conversation with the caveat that two new partners or one new and one more experienced have advantages and disadvantages and I can not really pick one over the other. We can talk about best case and worst, but I do not know if that will help you.

As mutual newbie’s one major advantage is that as long as you both understand that there is a lot you do not know then you do not have to to UNLearn anything.  However, that does NOT avoid preconceived assumptions about what the lifestyle SHOULD be. And those will bite your ass every time.

Most of the following is true about either situation. You should both do a lot of thinking about what it is you WANT out of the relationship. What kind of relationship? How do you envision your sex life? Do either of you have a need or desire for Sadomasochistic activity. Do either of you have a need or desire for one of you to serve the other. Is humiliation or objectification an element of either’s desire? Do either of you have a need or desire to Dominate the other or to submit to the other and what IS that vision?

These are very general issues but should be thought about before you get into the more specific elements of particular kinds of sexual activity and play styles, behaviors, protocols, etc., which again come before particular elements of play like who touches who how, and what toys do you like to use or to be used.

OK, this is all the homework that each of you should do individually. Then there is the communication and negotiation between each of you as to what you like and want from the other and what you are willing to do to/for the other. Remember, it is called negotiation, so think about what you will do that you do or don’t like, and what you are willing to have done that you do or don’t like. There are things you might be thinking about but don’t yet know about, ok, but listen to your body, and believe what it tells you. If your body displays excitement, go for it. If not, DON’T. (I mean that.)

Here you have to do some solid thinking about hard limits. If you REALLY don’t like the idea of something, do NOT allow yourself to do or try it just cause the other REALLY likes it. It is always possible that you and the other are not compatible. Accept it and move on.

Presuming you are both new. Educate Yourselves. Learn from people who have done it before. Presuming one person is more experienced, Educate Yourselves. I have been in the lifestyle for almost twenty years.  I still seek education.  I can not tell you how easy it is to tell a new submissive that I know all about how to do something when I don’t. So if YOU educate yourself, you will know if they are doing things safely or not. (Do you know that more damage and deaths are caused by bondage than any other form of play COMBINED?)

Whew, a lot. OK. you have talked and decided on one or two things you would like to try together. Good. Do it. Remember safewords, taking breaks, checking in with the other. You may have HUMONGOUS amounts of fun and put it on your must do list, you may not. EITHER WAY, give yourselves a day to come down, process and then TALK ABOUT IT. Was it good? What worked? How did you feel about it?

Continue to communicate.  I do not give a SHIT if you are in to the most extreme levels of humiliation, objectification and abject slavery. If you do not give yourselves repeated, regular times where you can sit as EQUALS and discuss your play, you are in an abusive relationship. Period. So there. (Sticking my tongue out, “That’s the Truth. Pththtth”)  So, remember to communicate, reflect, and understand that your feelings about everything, even hard limits, WILL change.

I know that this discussion originated with the question about the value of two newbie’s starting out together or someone new and someone experienced. Once trust is established and maintained, and as long as open communication and education is allowed for each, then I would probably say that new and experienced is what I would recommend. But the difference is really minimal.

But the MAJOR caveat is that there are a HUGE number of people out there who will TELL you that they are experienced. They may honestly think they are, or they could be scamming you to get the fresh meat. Either way, a Dominant will teach you HIS way, but can not teach you THE way. There is no such thing. Which ever way you choose, you should continue to search out differing opinions.  If your Dominant does not give you that option, leave.

Perhaps the BEST thing is to take your new found fuck buddy and sit for a while with someone who has some experience and BOTH of you ask questions. (Waves at you and delicately points at himself.) Like me.

The Eroticist

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