Why is it that one can see on some social media sites statements such as, “I have been a submissive all my life.  I want to explore.  I want to be owned.”  This from someone Eighteen years of age.

Now please understand, I believe it is possible that a person of that age can accept that they are and have been submissive.  While many can discover this desire and tendency later, it is quite possible that for some it is known from a profoundly early age.  It is also quite possible that these people discover at a later age, that they really enjoy being a switch, or perhaps they find their submissive tendencies are a survival characteristic to allow them to exist in a family or society that does not reward their Dominance.  It is even quite possible that they find at a later age, kink is not for them at all.  Where I question things is whether or not one can know their life at age eighteen.

I sincerely have nothing against someone of that age deciding to enter into and rejoicing in a Master/Slave relationship.  But this is something that takes a great deal of time.  Extremely deep levels of communication must be built, and pardon me, but someone of that age does not yet have a great deal of experience in communication.  Please hear what I am saying.  An eighteen year old does not have a great deal of experience in deep transparent communication of their opinions, emotions, and considered desires.  Now this may have a great deal to do with them not having a great deal of experience with being respectfully HEARD.  That is not something for which this society is particularly well known.

The most important aspect of my concern is whether or not an eighteen year old has the experience in observing and understanding others that is necessary before accepting someone that writes them through a social media site and tells them they are a MASTER.  In this age where anyone can describe themselves as anything, with any kind of photo and any kind of text to an audience of millions, where we hear almost daily of people murdering through Craig’s list, and a phenomenal list of abuse under the guise of Dominance and submission, I am severely bothered by the thought of someone so young offering themselves on such an open and unsupervised market.

Yes, I am certainly willing to accept that many of the eighteen year olds so described are, in fact, people far different in reality who have not yet gotten to the point of accepting themselves and seeking what they wish in an open honest way through introspection and honest description.  The vast abilities given to us through the internet have allowed us a level of wide self presentation that I do not believe we yet understand, and certainly do not yet know its personal and societal consequence.

I suppose my concern comes not so much from the uncomfortably large number of people so describing themselves on social media sites, but in my profound fear that those few, truly lovely submissive young people, both male and female, who are ultimately worthy of great respect and care, may become involved in relationships which teach them that Dominance and submission is something negative or unrewarding, or at the worst, abusive, dangerous and harmful.  I believe that it should not be so, and at its best is rewarding and affirming to an extent far beyond (those of mortal men [sorry to those aware of the reference]) those relationships we see on a daily basis which are unconsidered, un-introspective, and are usually maintained without work.

I fear that this post is a little haphazzard.  I am in the midst of a difficult move and more work than I fear I am capable.  But the thoughts were there.

The Eroticist


  1. Thinking back …

    At 18 I knew I was different. At 18 I knew I was intrigued, titillated and aroused by spanking fantasies. At 18 I understood that my perception of the Romantic Ideal wasn’t the same as that of my friends. At 18 I had glimpses into some very dark desires I did not understand – and I believed if I acted on them they would destroy my life; this led to repression.

    The internet is a double-edged sword, I think. Today’s 18 year old, unlike me, needn’t feel alone, sick or perverse in her yearning; Google provides a wealth of access to information, some of which is even valid and meaningful, and this offers a foundation for the introspection you so accurately point out is necessary; this is good. I, as I stated, repressed and it led to problems I don’t think will [necessarily] plague today’s younger set who has access to real information that assures them that what they want in the bedroom, and even in life, is OK and a healthy expression of human sexuality.

    The flip side is, of course, the danger of knowledge for someone who lacks the life experience to know what to do with it. Knowledge does not equal maturity and there is a gap, a chasm, between knowing something in theory and understanding it in practice. I was 46 years old when I began to explore my sexuality [BDSM] and I was unprepared for the emotional and psychological elements of This Dance even then.

    It isn’t, or shouldn’t be, in my opinion, age dependent – but maturity dependent; the maturity to integrate the changes in self-understanding that are inherent to the experience of having your innate sexual desires met.

    The problem is, how do you prepare someone for that? How do you fill that gap between theory and practice? This is one of those things that, as far as I can tell, must be felt to be understood.

    And, as you point out, in the virtual world deception is easy; ironically, honesty and trust are the key to the kind of sexual intimacy most of us long for.

    No easy answers here …

    Great post by the way!


  2. rita

    very much enjoyed Libby’s comments…her experience paralleled my own in many ways…most of my teen years to the end of my thirties were spent in an almost frenetic state of search for experience and stimulation…this leveled off to a simmer as i raised a family and enjoyed my career….a divorce in my late forties, when my children took flight gave me the opportunity to once again form new sexual and personal alliances…a decade later, i still had not stumbled upon what i really needed to discover about myself…i am now one and a half years into realizing that my sexuality has taken a sharp turn, and still sifting through the vast information (almost all of it on the web) available to me to both learn and reach out…still technically a bdsm virgin, and untouched (except by me, hee hee) for nearly three years, there is still a sense of something important waiting, and the quest continues…like Libby i have always felt the undertow of my deepest desires, since early childhood…would i have been able to access them in my life earlier?….perhaps…but growing up and coming of age in the sixties was quite enough for me at the time….i cannot imagine what goes on in the head of an eighteen year old now, and i accept the look of incredulity they shoot at me when i mention i don’t text…(well, now i do, as my phone lets me talk into it…)

    being eighteen is, and always has been, fraught with delight and danger, soul mates and deceivers…but then, so is being sixty… i would agree with Libby that it is maturity rather than age that counts….i also believe that maturity is not an across the board deal…i can be very mature about some things,, and still quite childish about others…the fascination with life is the constant, and i have seen eighteen year olds that don’t feel it, and hope something they are exposed to wakes them up…i think it may be much more difficult now for young people to discover anything about themselves they are not spoon fed through unavoidable media, and if they can wade through growing up in this century, and feel passion for anything, positive or maybe not, at least they are feeling something…..rambling…i’ll stop…..

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Back to Top