I tend to have this discussion several times a year. People ask me why I like to torture people. My usual and almost imediate reaction is to look at them with an expression of, “Christ, what kind of an Ass Hole do you think I am?” So I thought I would express it here. That way I can just link it to people and not go through writing it all out again. I am a lazy bastard.
There are debates as to the term, Sadist. The historical context of the term is the Marquis de Sade, a writer of the early 1800’s best known for his philosophic/pornographic works which still retain high popularity. His name became synonymous with non-consensual violence upon unwilling victims for the Sadists sexual pleasure.
I had an interesting discussion with an identified “sadist” many years back, about the differences between him and I. While I definitely identify as a sadist, he argued with me. I had told him that my greatest joy was to apply severe sensual stimulation to a receptive woman who could take that sensation and interpret it as sexual. In more layman’s terms, spank her ass till she cums like a banshee.
For this is my greatest pleasure, violent sex, combined with orgasm control. As an example, I once was digitally exploring a young woman (this was the first time we were together sexually) and as I observed her increasing arousal I took a moment, slapped her breasts and face sharply and demanded that she cum, NOW. Her climax was an explosive surprise. In our short relationship she repeatedly showed a capacity to receive spanks, slaps, and strong pinches of the nipples, each arousing her further until the moment of demand to, or permission given to cum. She once assisted in a spanking demonstration where I repeatedly had to admonish her NOT to cum. As you probably can tell, this form of “Sadism” is a great joy to me and my partners.
But you must also understand that it is negotiated, discussed, accepted and agreed upon by both of us and there is always an open channel of communication for any issues. I believe that her abilities are a quality of some women and it is that kind of woman that attracts me. We please each other.
However, as the gentleman I mentioned previously strongly opined, it is not the only form of Sadism. Actually, he said that I was not a sadist at all. I was just a very nice man who enjoyed pleasing masochists (people who get sexual pleasure from receiving strong physical stimulus). His feelings were that to find enjoyment, a Sadist needed a partner who willingly accepted sensations that they did NOT enjoy, that they should SUFFER for the enjoyment of their sadistic Dominant. This is obviously not my style, but I agree that it is a valid definitely of Sadism.
However, you must understand that no matter which of the two definitions you choose, they BOTH require a willing adult subject or partner, who is aware of your manor of play and who has negotiated what they are willing to endure and what they are not. With the Marquis de Sade, consent was not an issue. He was a wealthy noble in times when that position granted rights unacceptable in this day and age. Even so, he “played” often with prostitutes whose complaints caused a few of his several imprisonments.
Yes, another definition of “Sadism” is enforcing and abusing your power over an unwilling human being though physical or emotional means , whether that situation is one of imprisonment, obligation, or domestic, for the purpose of your own sexual pleasure or emotional aggrandizement. But that form of sadism has no place in the BDSM community, nor, in my opinion, in any form of human interaction.