It was told to me that in the annals of porn that talking dirty, now a mainstay of the industry, was once something that needed to be coached from the actors. (Actually, primarily the actresses, since in mainstream porn, it is the ladies who carry the spot-lite, or microphone in this case.) That is, until someone came up with the brilliant idea of just verbally expressing what is happening. It is actually rather hot to hear your partner describing exactly what you are doing, not only in physical activity, but to her physical state.
I saw this morning, a delightful beginning tutorial. Others can be found here, women to men here, and men to women here, couples here, and (deep sigh) here, and from my friend Nina, here.
I have talked before about my growth from “No means No” to “Yes means Yes” and I am a strong proponent of telling someone exactly what you want them to do, in detail. I enjoy doing it, and I greatly enjoy hearing it. I was brought up in an age where that just wasn’t done. What a young boy was supposed to do was try to do what he wanted to do, and expect the girl to vaguely protest, but not enough to actually stop you. In my age, that actually worked most of the time, as long as you were relatively artistic and caring in trying to do what you wanted to do.
Now it is a different age. From the banter on even X rated community sites, it seems that 1) most people don’t particularly care about being artistic, polite, or even empathetic in their methods of persuasion, and 2) in this litigious age just reminding some woman about a traumatic sexual event, even one of which you have no knowledge, can get you sued, fired or possibly jailed. So what is a young sexually active individual to do?
Shyness will get you nowhere! This is terribly conflicting to me. I adore an intensely sexual but terribly shy woman. Forcing her to admit to her lusts is one of the most erotic forms of negotiation for me. But eventually, openly talking about it is the only way you will successfully find a willing partner who enjoys all the wondrous forms of kink that you enjoy as well. Tell her what you like, ask her what she likes, then do it again. From experience, I can tell you that these conversations can make for several joyous evenings. Then try it, and ask again. How was it? What did you like for you? What worked for you? What pulled you out of the moment? What do you want more of? There is another wonderful evening and piles of anticipation.
One very fond memory of mine in my early sexual career was when a woman straight forwardly told me that when she came she would arch her entire body, and she wanted her lover to just stop and stay in her. Well, that moment was phenomenal, balanced on the arch of a climaxing, and very appreciative woman. And that would not have happened except that she talked to me.
I was brought up in a relatively public house. By that I mean, there was not much you could do without it being heard. I took me years and the complaints of several lovers before I began to make any form of noise. Now I growl and whisper, and hum, to, on and in my lover. But it was my growth and acceptance as a Dominant and sadist that got me to the point where I can talk and negotiate before, and direct during lovemaking. While I may say yes, and may say no, I dearly love hearing exactly what she wants me to do. It is a very good way to find out what you can do and what you should NOT.
The Eroticist
I get this from the other side.
I love sex and am very active and enthusiastic. However…To tell my lover that I want him to ignore my protests and hold me down or call me his whore or in one case talk dirty to me in Spanish, is so hard. I lock up and panic and go silent for a while. But when I can get it out the encounters are absolutely wonderful.
You don’t say, so it is difficult to tell when you talk about what you need. Often it is best to talk about it at times OTHER than those filled with passion. Times when you can talk about it as something interesting about you, while not under the pressure of, “Oh my GOD, please do that to me NOW.”
As far as ignoring your protests, that should DEFINITELY be discussed beforehand, and remember safe words. It is wonderful to have an empathetic lover “ignore” your telling him to stop, no, that hurts, don’t…and have him just have his way with you. But there must be SOME way for you to tell him that something is wrong and he truly must stop. I use the stoplight colors. When asked, Green = everything is wonderful, do it more; Yellow any time = slow down, or move to another spot, or just check in; and Red any time = Something is seriously wrong you have to stop and help.
Remember, there is no such thing as having no limits, and if anyone in a relationship does not respect them, or disparages communication, that is a red flag, walk quickly away.
The Eroticist