Last time I spoke on Transparency (as I have often and before), and the necessity for those on the right side of the D/s or M/s slash (the s) to be clear and complete in their communication to their partner on the left (the D and M) no matter how contradictory or embarrassing that communication might be. I also mentioned that the requirements are not quite the same for those on the left side.
I do not mean to say that the Dominant partner in a relationship is not required to be Transparent. I might even say that the requirements are more severe, for a Dominant must be Transparent to himself. (Do I need to repeat that I tend to speak of a Dominant Male Sadist and a female masochistic submissive because that describes my relationship? What I speak about, hopefully, is equally applicable to male, female, Dominant, Master, slave, submissive, masochist and sadist, no matter what combination or pattern your relationship might take.) This transparency requires a strong emphasis on self-reflection, insight and acceptance. While it may be quite difficult for a submissive to admit to their Dominant their most embarrassing thoughts and desires, it may be quite a different degree to admit and accept them as part of yourself. For a moment, try to think of your most embarrassing, possibly disgusting desire as an integral element of who you are as a human being, a necessary part of the wise, compassionate, intelligent creature you believe yourself to be. For that is what it is.
I want to emphasize that this difference in requirements is not a power play. It is not the Dominant saying, “You have to do it, but I don’t.” As my good friend Skip Chasey said, a Master has to keep one step ahead of his property. A Dominant has to be in a position to see just a step further, and to help his slave or submissive see that further distance can require the Dominant do things without telling his property why, for to tell them why may work against them.
To be transparent to yourself or to your partner requires a deep level of Trust. Trust that your relationship is bigger and broader and far more firmly based than whatever it is that is going on inside right now, trust that whatever filth you dredge up will be accepted by your partner with love and compassion, trust that whatever pain you expose will be accepted, trust that whatever is asked of you is asked with wisdom, compassion, and respect.
If you find someone you can trust, trust deeply, whose wisdom you respect, respect to the point where you choose to give them authority over you, the only way they can truly take that authority and make the right decisions is by having all the information you can give them. That is all your wishes, all your desires, all your fears, your pain, your uncertainty, your misgivings. How else can they know what to do, what is best for you? How else can they take the responsibility you wish to give them?
When you get to the point where you trust yourself, trust the benefit of your dark parts, when you find someone whose heart is strong and open to you, someone who you trust to share the whole of you, someone who accepts that whole, when you trust yourself to take responsibility for that person, for that relationship, that is the point when you can begin to ask for the third leg of the Triumvirate, obedience.
The Eroticist