I saw this post on Redditt and it brought a lot of thoughts to mind.
“So I’ve (23M) been dating this girl (21F) for about a year now. Our relationship has been a long distance relationship for a significant portion because of the pandemic. When we started dating my girlfriend expressed that she would like to explore a D/s dynamic. I was intrigued by the idea but I always thought that I would be a sub because of my calm and gentle nature in a D/s dynamic but I was willing to try being a Dom for her sake. I started reading a bit about D/s relationships to understand how I would go about it, After a couple of sexting sessions I realized that I was really into it and I really enjoyed the fact the she submitting to me and I was in control. I took the bdsmtest to realize I’m a 98% Switch. So I referred to this sub for some long distance D/s advice and tasks that I could give her. It was going pretty well but today she confessed about not following some of my instructions (For e.g I’ve told her not to cum and edge she would just not follow it and just lie to me). I know there are different levels and limits in every D/s dynamic but then this just broke my trust.”
“I would understand If I’m doing something that makes her uncomfortable and she doesn’t wanna do it wouldn’t really matter to me.”
“But then this just took the fun out of the D/s relationship because she can just choose to not do something I ask her to do.”
“Idk If I’m going wrong somewhere because I’m pretty much a newbie to this dynamic. I really love her and there is more to the relationship than just this dynamic. I feel very hurt and really don’t know how to solve this. Should I just tell her I don’t wanna be a part of this dynamic at least for the online bit?”
“Update: Thank you so much for your advice and opinions . I had a conversation with her about this, she told me that she didn’t wanna tell me because she was worried about upsetting me and I made her realize that her lying has upset me a lot. She has promised to be more transparent in the future and I hope everything goes well.”
“I still haven’t come to terms with trusting her but hopefully I will be fine in a couple of days.”
In reading this post, many thoughts came to mind. The first being his reasons for thinking he was a submissive. I don’t want anyone to think that being calm and gentle preclude being a Dominant. I tend to feel that most moments in any relationship would require both, no matter what your role. While it may be fun to add insistent aggression or violent behavior to any play scene, in maintaining a relationship gentle calm direction is most often the best course of action.
The problems I see in this relationship are ones I see that are common to a long distance or textual based relationship. Unfortunately they are increasingly common in this age of Covid-19. These relationshiops have difficulties over live-in situations because of exactly what is described. The Dominant must trust that the things requested or required are being done without any indication other than the word of the submissive. (I know, many may point to methods of proof that might be presented, but this issue is still a common one.)
This points to the major element in, I believe, all important relationships, D/s or not, from an interpersonal dyad up to that between a society and it’s leader. That is TRUST. It is often said how difficult it is to gain and easy to loose, but I wish to point to one element that assists in its creation. Honest, open, transparent communication. In a D/s or M/s situation that translates in to honest open negotiation.
Often within a D/s or M/s relationship it is structured so that the Dom has the last word. That is appropriate. But that does not mean that the Dom should have the only word. A submissive’s issues involving a request or directive must have a venue where they can be brought up clearly and fully because things may be happening of which the Dom is not aware. A submissive must be allowed and encouraged to give transparency in expressing their thoughts, fears and actions. How else does the Dom have the material needed in order to make the correct decisions? The Dominant must, in my opinion, not only listen but dig for these issues.
In closing, I want to make a short comment on the consequences of not following directions in a curve from minor to more severe. Not doing something I request due to uncontrollable life situations is a pass, no consequences, it happens. Not doing a new request because they forgot, not great but with appropriate emphasis and reminders that can be resolved. Not doing something because they don’t like it and don’t want to tell you puts it up a notch and serious discussions must be had. Not doing something and deliberately telling you a falsehood makes me think there must be a discussion as to whether or not this relationship should continue.