I am finding at this time that it is difficult to remember what happened on which days, so if chronology seems a bit strained, please excuse me.
As you hopefully know, I tend to emphasize relationship issues. It is what particularly moves me, it is what I desire. Casual play is fun but the goal for me is a long term deeply bonded relationship. What is necessary is a relationship with the person with whom I play. Good play is an astoundingly powerful connection event and for me that is a major part of the reward. Well, OK, it is also hot as hell but that is actually secondary to me.
I have talked a lot about communication skills and these come powerfully into play when applied to negotiation, safety, and connection during play. Obviously you would want to express your honest thoughts, whether it is strong desire, inexperienced interest, interest with hesitation, concern or firm refusal. You should be willing to talk about a wide range of subjects, health issues, sexual issues, traumatic history, being specific about where you like, and don’t like to be touched, what kind of stimulation you enjoy and what kind you do not. You should have a lot of questions.
One question you should repeat often is, “What do you mean by that?” We all use words and assume they have the same meaning to the listener, when often they do not. So ask…repeatedly.
I mentioned in my last blog that there was someone there who paid a lot of attention to my scene with the paddle. She later commented that she saw me take the time to talk with the young lady, the negotiation and questions, and enjoyed watching the activity of the scene. In other words, she observed. The next day, she came to me and asked to have a scene with me. We talked, she requested that she be tied up and paddled. She told me that she had bruises from the day before, but would like me to continue on them. While this is not necessarily a good thing for long term play, the body does need time to heal, I felt that one short scene would do no damage and it was what she wanted. (I am a pleasing kind of guy.) So I introduced her to an excellent rope man who tied her and stayed by to check on any possible rope issues.
But what was most notable to me was that she informed me of pertinent issues and told me exactly what she wanted. She communicated and did so clearly.
The scene was truly quite astounding. We stayed close, checked in, and felt a strong sense of connection. I still remember the powerful expressions on her face when I clenched my fingers in her hair. I do feel free to say “We” because we had the opportunity to connect several times before I flew back to California and this emotional connection was confirmed between both of us.
She was a very impressive partner. She observed and so came to knowledgeable conclusions. She communicated clearly about her desires, experience and concerns and possibly more importantly, listened with attention. The time to follow the convention only confirmed my view.