10 Days to Independence

I want to talk about a very personal and unique time in my life.  I have misgivings about speaking about it in this forum, but it is extremely important to me, and it touches on many things discussed here.

In my last post I mentioned that an important and significant friend, sweet BonB would be coming here for a visit to California before returning to Chicago for a few weeks before a possibly permanent move overseas.  The things that happened over her time here were and still are deeply moving, magical, and heart expanding.  For those who have played Portal, you will understand, she is the cake.

What we experienced, what she suggested, what we together willingly chose, what she understood and accepted, involved exploring deep submission, severe challenges of extreme play, both physical and emotional, tapping wellsprings of deep sorrow and pain, as well as overwhelmingly enjoyable explorations of the physical.  Beyond this there was fine new foods, afternoons on the beach, meeting new friends, introductions of spirituality, extended powerful eye contact and cinematic explorations of imagination.  It was a time that will be held close to my heart for years to come.

But how is one to deal with that when the parting is so close at hand?  What do these experiences mark?  Is this a truly wonderful vacation from daily life?  Is it a beginning of a new life together?  What demands can be made?  What expectations are there?  You must understand that I do not have answers here.  I know what I would wish, here, even now, after a difficult Independence day.

Separation after such a time when that separation seems so permanent is undeniably rough, both for he who wants the relationship to continue, and for those she who wishes to look ahead to the distant journey, even with a possibility of the bond being joined again in the future, and though the commitment to the future promise of that journey is easy to accept, the present is what takes a beating.  How does one prepare?  How does one separate?  How does one affirm and rejoice in what has happened while still respecting what is to come?

I think “Kindness” is misleading.  Attempting to continue the bond and love and deep devotion has difficult traps, particularly when attempted at a distance.  Inevitable needs of separation come into play which, when added to times of continuation of the romantic bond can be, (I do not say are, or must be) expressed as discord or dissatisfaction, threatening any possibility of the continuation or rejoining of that bond.  That I most profoundly did and do not want.

So, I chose to say good bye rather than continue to share the short time we have left.  Though I fear my steps have created anger and a strong wish to prove what we experienced did not matter, I would rather hold to the deeply moving memories and profoundly wished for possibilities rather than make mistakes through sorrow that force any future possibilities to the impossible.

My heart is full and my arms are open.  While I accept whatever may happen, and strongly wish for the imagined continuation, my words say “Good Bye”.  (WOHIWYtB)  With open heart I wish you the best.

The Eroticist

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