What happened that night, which included minimal amounts of sleep, was extremely significant and extraordinarily subtle. So much so that it will be difficult to describe. But the importance to communication, understanding, and Dominant and submissive relationships in general can not be overstated.
You must understand that the vast amount of our time was spent in conversation. Talking with this woman was a true delight. It would be difficult and unnecessary for the purpose of this post to encompass the range of subjects discussed, but suffice it to say that it touched on each of our histories, philosophy, relationships, desires, identification, foods, behaviors, to name just a few. As I have said before. communication is a necessity.
One of the most important subjects discussed was her experience and desires regarding sex. I had mentioned before, her limit that there would be no penile penetration below the waist. That was clear and I understood and certainly would honor that. (BTW, if anyone has any questions as to why and whether or not they should honor such a request, I refer you to the local constabulary and recommend therapy.) But we were now on a pile of pillows, sans clothing, and freely touching a vast variety of bodily surfaces. I am sure you realize that at times, for any accomplished Dominant, moving a woman in the direction of acquiescence before distinct negotiation and a positive “Yes” is something we can and have certainly attempted. (We are manipulators, after all.)
Let me clearly state that this movement is shortsighted in the extreme. It inevitably will result in a feeling of being used without permission and the realization that limits were disrespected or ignored. In other words, considering a woman with whom you wish to have a repeat engagement (and if you have someone in bed who you do not wish to have there again, I would question your taste), it is far better to forgo the immediate for the repeatable over the long term.
BonB had stated that vaginal and anal sex had a significant emotional weight for her and that they deserved a high degree of respect and choice. In that light, let me speak about choice. I am sure most people reading this are familiar with the admonition, “No means NO”, meaning if a woman, or anyone for that matter, says no to any form of proposal, it means definitely no and that should be respected. It does not immediately mean, “No, but I am willing to stand here listening to your lame reasons why I should have said yes, cause really like every woman, I really do want you, but I have just enough self respect to make you work for it.” No, Gentlemen, no does mean no, and that should be honored.
But is it enough? I respectfully say, no, it ain’t. Particularly in the activities in which we engage, where dangerous behavior is often included and where mental states frequently change. I do believe that every man has experienced moments with women who do not understand the importance of communication where “No” meant “No, but I really want you to try anyway, so I can get what I want and not have the responsibility. In other words, force me.” So, my active preference is that I want to hear, “Yes, means Yes” and that means in a wide awake moment of clarity, particular activities are stated and a clear request for those activities are unmistakably voiced, particularly if it is of the form, “Yes, I want you to force me.”
OK, why did I go on with that. Well, it has to do a lot with the happenings of that evening. We talked for a long time about her wish to refrain from penetrative sex below the waist, at least with things other than toys and my fingers. But here we were, both naked together and going up and down on that smooth roller coaster of sexual stimulation. We also talked about my feelings on “No” and “Yes” and my concern over issues where she may feel that I am stimulating her to the point of forcing a “Yes.” Then in the conversation, the term “Test” came up. Now that was interesting. What did she mean by “Test”?
So again, communication being paramount, I asked her a lot about that term and what she meant by it. She said that since I had previously stated that I wanted any sexual activity to be her choice, she wanted to make sure, and find out what kind of a man I was by possibly testing me to see if I would hold to that statement, no matter how excited I might become. Now I am sure most men reading this have been in that situation, and know well what it is like to fail the test.
Let me tell you now, as they say in War Games, in that game “The only winning move is not to play.” So I informed the sweet and highly sexual young lady that I would not play the game, and the choice was no longer hers. There would be no more sexual activity between us. I told her that I was not chastising her, I was not punishing her, I just didn’t want to play that game and have her, the next morning, even have the option of saying I had stimulated her to the point of saying “Yes” when she really did not wish to. So, I would not stimulate her, nor would I allow her to stimulate me. Game over.
Her next statement was extremely telling and in hindsight showed me if I saw it at the time, what our relationship was to become. She said, after a very long pause, “Wow, I’m really fucked, or not fucked, as the case may be.” Yep, that she was. But in that moment, she told me clearly what she wanted, desired and needed. She wanted to be forced. I just had to find a way to show her the necessity of saying “Yes.” And it was she who gave me the path. The moment was sublime.
She had stated a need to hit the bathroom and I had turned on my side hoping to get some sleep as it was now very early in the morning and we had little time before I had to rise, pack and be off. When she returned, I expected her to lie close to me and cuddle, a warm expression of affection that definitely brings a smile to my face but also acknowledges that the night was over. I was surprised that she sat next to me and actually straddled me with her arms, one on each side, sitting up and staring down into my face.
OK, then. Now what? I was happy and pleased with our time together and was certainly willing to make a night (or morning) of it. But for her, there was still something to accomplish. I just didn’t know, yet, what it was. I am reminded of the phrase from Arthur Conan Doyle, “The Game is afoot.” Though literally that means that the hunted target is moving and the hunt is on. To me it always meant, “It is time to play” and that it was.
Now our discussion above was about sex and even though control and sadomasochistic pain play is very sexual to me, it did not necessarily involve the common definitions of sexual activity. While there is stimulation, it is not necessarily directly aimed at the generative organs. I knew that I had never said that I did not enjoy the game, nor would refrain from touching her at all, nor, and most particularly, did not state I wished to release control. She wanted to test me? OK, let us see how she took to the positions being reversed.
I began this blog saying this was a very subtle dance, and I mean that very strongly. In describing what took place, it may sound very much as it was preconceived and planned with a particular goal in mind. It was not. There were things I wanted to say and communicate to her, but they were primarily that I greatly enjoyed her company, loved being close to her, still desired her, respected her limits, and did not feel rejected in any way. Beyond that, it was entirely moment to moment and I had no expectations of going further or forcing the crossing of any stated limit, mine or hers.
The way I chose to show her was to caress her cheek and move my hand slowly into her hair, taking a tight hold, and just hold her gaze. There was much there, and I brought her head down to my lips for an strong but loving kiss. She stayed in her hovering like position as I released her hair and took hold of her nipples. I quite firmly used them to bring her down for another kiss, then sit her up again, then down two more times. Watching her response, all I wanted to do was to return the tease and turn the tables. I took her again, quite firmly by the hair and forced her head down to my neck and chest. My plan was to move her head over my chest and hint at forcing her down lower, to show her that I could play at the limits, but not cross them. Here you must remember the position of her hands, both placed on the floor one on each side of my body, at the height of my waist. This is important, for as I moved her head around my chest and pushed it down to cross my belly, she did the most significant thing of the evening. It was subtle, just the hint of a movement. But she moved her left hand so as to give me room to push her head further down.
WHAM! Suddenly everything was clear to me and I all I had to do was call her on it. I stopped immediately and asked, “What was that?”
“What?” and I tell you honestly from discussions following, she had no idea what had just happened.
“That, moving your hand! What is the damn game here? You want it. You want me to force you. I force you, you claim NO responsibility and I have failed your little test. Well FUCK THAT! If you want it, then you tell me you want it and tell me clearly.” And I waited.
After many breaths and a long, very significant pause, holding my eyes constantly, she said with a long sigh, “Yes, I want you to force me.”
Clarity, so much better, communication, honest acceptance and mutual responsibility. It does not matter the actions we do. Rape play, violent verbal and physical confrontations, behavior that leaves anything from bruises to burns to scars and permanent markings, the actions do not matter, it is the consent, the communication, the taking of mutual responsibility, understanding and respect that confirms and sustains a relationship. The things we do can come from incredibly dark places, but if they are done with the understanding of the humanity and value of our partners and with an acceptance of our own and our partners desires, no matter how dark, they are affirming and nourishing to our humanity, caring love and bonded relationships.
Before I go on to a most joyous and magical moment at our last contact, I want to state that there was further conversation and the limits of no penile penetrative actions below the waist have continued to be respected limits to this day. But to explain the magic of this woman I have to tell you of our last moment.
After far too little sleep, I packed, we left notes for OWS, and headed out on the drive to Midway Airport. We arrived a bit early and sat in the car for a half hour or so. The conversation was light and humorous, but had its moments of eroticism, and as she was dropping me off, she commented on the excited state she was in. Well, that made me smile, but at the curbside of the airport, there was not much I could do. So, out, got luggage, kissed, and stepped up to the check in.
I was there for a bit when suddenly someone grabbed my arm. Totally unexpected, it was a woman, then I realized it was BonB, then I realized, as she was running back to the car, that my arm was now totally wet. Then I realized why it was wet. She had painted my arm…with her. What an incredibly magical parting gift. Clearly and unequivocally stating how excited she was by being with me. Now that is a high complement, and it still brings a huge smile to my face and a warm feeling in my heart.
I should probably end by saying she is arriving in Santa Barbara next week for a 10 day stay with a fully negotiated agenda of extreme sadomasochistic play, possibly a strong day of being sexually “Forced”, service, submission, and joy as my precious little girl, kneeling on the floor beside me and addressing me as, “My Lord.” Beyond the invitation to visit, these were all her requests, things she actively desired and to which she said an enthusiastic YES.
It is truly amazing what you can hear from people if you watch carefully, listen intently, and respect their choices.
But I will actually end by saying she is to move to Poland in September of this year on a deeply significant and spiritual journey, and while we may have wishes, we have no expectation of ever seeing each other again. Magic presents itself to us just so. It is for us to see it, and accept it when it comes. And most importantly, let it go when it must leave.