I will continue my description of my delightful weekend at “Behind Closed Doors – Mutation“ but I have a need to express a bit about a dear girl previously mentioned here as BonB. I wrote extensively about my relationship with her beginning here and continuing on for several – more – posts.
This is a situation with which I have little experience. Before we met she had made a commitment to herself that she would leave much of who and what she was behind to go on a vision quest to a far away place in Europe for study and introspection, searching for the cause and enlightenment within a life changing experience that happened there several years before. That commitment had been made before but was delayed, I think, due to a beginning involvement with a new man in her life at the time. I feel that is significant.
This commitment came from a deep soul level understanding that her previous experience was not complete and that she was, not only ready for this life changing experience, but demanding it. Strangely, due to that commitment, she decided to re-experience her previously abandoned interest in areas BDSM by coming to Exxxotica in Chicago. There she observed the following.
This video captures the moments the day before we met. She observed this scene and found something there that peaked her interest. Though she had intended to come to Exxxotica only one day, she returned the following day and introduced herself. And so it began.
So here we were, through time and connection, visits to Santa Barbara and moments, the intensity of which are difficult to describe, we passed through conversations (I think we maxed out at eight hours on the phone in a day) and intensive struggles with the upcoming parting and the possible permanence of that, we moved through a long period of “Do we stay connected, or does that allow an ‘out’ or ‘escape’ from the previous commitment to the quest?” and it’s subsequent approach/avoid moments of parting and re-connection. Here I think is the significance of the delays caused by the previous man in her life. Again she was ready to go. Again she had a new man in her life.
Suffice it to say this was not a stress free transition. There were arguments, accusations, and emotional conflicts comparable to any teenaged romance, and through it all were deep discussions as to what was necessary for a commitment and the inevitable question, “Can you/I commit to your/my vision and to me/you at the same time?”.
Within those conversations was a discussion of how one holds to a commitment. One can create a situation where they have no choice, create a situation in such a way that backing out has such a high cost that it is the cost itself that holds you to the commitment, or one can accept that one always has ways to back out and it is the constant choice within ones self that holds you to it. I can not say which is best.
But what I can say, and did say, is that I will not allow myself to be the out, the escape, that will cheapen her commitment. The results of that would be to cheapen my commitment to her, and that I choose not to do. So, I blocked her phone, removed my “friendships” and posted “Do Not Disturb” on Skype. My care and deep consideration for her does not allow me to accept an approach if it detracts from what I wish for us. The only way to respect what I would wish for us is to give it up. A phrase keeps passing through my mind of the old New Englander standing by the barbed wire saying, “Nope, can’t get there from here.”
And what is the result of all of this? The strange conundrum that it was She who found the video I linked above, who posted it on her FetLife wall with great joy. And it is I who write this blog, to communicate the continuing importance of her in my life, knowing she will read my words, though we do not speak, nor touch, nor look into each other’s eyes.
And so it goes. WOHIWYAtB